1.: You are an idiot
Every single customer a barista must serve is an absolute fucking idiot if they do not know exactly what they want the moment they step up to the counter. This includes knowing the proper size and how to order said size; therefore, you are not exempt from being a fucking idiot if you rattle off something in the lingo of another cafe.

1.1.: Terminology
Tall, grande and however the hell you spell the 20-ounce size are Starbucks terms. You want to say stupid shit like that, you go to a Starbucks.

1.1.1.: Sizes
Do not ever, ever, ask to see the cup sizes. If you as a consumer don't know how big a 12-ounce cup is, go the hell home and get out a measuring cup, and fill it up to the 1 1/2 cup line. That is twelve ounces. Moron.

1.2.: House coffee
You do not order "house coffee". In practically every cafe, there are at least four coffees being served that day, each of which is a "house coffee". If you order a "house coffee", do not expect to get what you expected to get. Fifty percent of the time, you are going to either get handed the darkest roast they have, when the barista knows full and well that you wanted something Folgers-esque, or else you're going to get decaf, because the barista is a spiteful creature, always willing to punish ignorance.

1.2.1.: Coffees
Do not ask what "plain, normal coffee" is being served. They are all plain, normal coffees, because all the weird shit is up on the menu. If it doesn't explicitly say "decaf" or is obviously flavoured, then odds are pretty goddamned good that it is a plain, normal coffee.

1.2.1.1.: The weird shit
This is any espresso drink that has a stupid-ass name; any blended drink is 75% more likely to have a stupid name than a non-blended drink. These drinks must be ordered as-is; you do not, for example, ask for a "caramel mocha without the mocha"; first, this annoys the barista even more than your mere presence has; second, it makes you sound like an even bigger fucking idiot than the barista already thinks you are. In addition, you are 20% more likely to have the barista who prepares your drink spit in it.

1.2.2.: Flavoured syrups
There is generally always a list of the flavoured syrups available to add to your drink somewhere near the menu. If you don't see it on the menu, don't ask if they have it. If they did, it would be on the menu somewhere.

1.2.2.1.: Vanilla
The proper term for requesting vanilla in your drink is to ask for vanilla. Don't fucking ask for fucking French vanilla, because no cafe would stock such a thing. The thing that makes French vanilla French is eggs. Do you want eggs in your drink? Keep asking for French vanilla, and you'll probably get one. One that has already been fertilised and semi-cooked by the heat. There's your goddamned French vanilla cappuccino, you stuck-up bitch.

1.2.2.2.: Italian soda
The Italian soda is a drink unto itself; there is no such thing as an "Italian cream soda". That is called a French soda.

1.3.: Espresso drinks
There is so goddamned much to cover here, it's not even funny. So I'm going to add things slowly.

1.3.1.: Latte
This is not pronounced lah-TAY. Saying lah-TAY will likely get you a sneer at best. It is pronounced LAH-tay.

1.3.2.: Cappuccino
If you order a cappuccino, and you obviously have no clue what one is, and are handed something extremely light, do not, under any circumstances, ask if there is anything in the cup. You have just been served a dry cappuccino. Asking if there is anything in the cup will result in you implying that the drink you just got is nothing like the "cappuccino" you get at the gas station, and you will be thought an even bigger fucking idiot, and the baristas will laugh at you when you leave, if you're lucky. If you're not lucky, you'll get laughed at while you're still there.

1.3.3.: Espresso
If you order espresso because it's the cheapest thing on the menu, for fuck's sake, don't ask if that's all you get. Yes, that's all you get, because that's all you fucking ordered.

1.3.3.0.: Americano
The Americano is a sub-par sub-drink of espresso, and as its organisational numbering in this list indicates, falls short of being 1337. If you ask what one is, and you are told something like "watered-down espresso", don't repeat what the barista just said. They did not stutter. It is espresso with water added to it, because Americans suck.

1.3.4.: Blended drinks
The names of these drinks vary wildly, and they are all just as stupid as the last. As a rule, if you see the barista making one blended drink after another, do not order one, no matter how good you think they look. You will be hated, and worse, you will be remembered.

2.: The barista
The barista is a difficult creature to deal with if you even annoy it slightly, which is generally accomplished simply by your presence at the counter.

2.1.:The female
The female of the barista species is, under no circumstances, no matter how fucking cool and smooth you think you are, to be flirted with. Let me say that again, because right now I'm going to pretend you didn't hear me: don't flirt with your barista. The consequences could be disastrous; at absolute best, she will immediately get even icier than she was. Female baristas are rare creatures; they are ice queens on a pedestal: you may look, but if you value your soul and a lack of bodily fluids in your coffee, you will not touch.

2.1.1: Are you even listening?
Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you were not listening and decided to go ahead and flirt with that ice queen behind the bar. Here's a rundown of what could happen:
a) She smiles in her untouchable way and rejects you.
b) She doesn't smile, and in no uncertain terms shoots you down hard. You crash and burn.
c) She laughs at you to your face, which is pretty much the vocal equivalent to being punched in the nose.
d) She rings you up, and then proceeds to make your drink even though there is already another barista on the machine. At this point, it sucks to be you. There is now a 66% chance that she will make you a bad drink, a 30% chance that she will spit in your drink, and a 4% chance that she will make you a bad drink and then spit in it. There is an independent 50% chance that the drink will take twice as long to complete; otherwise, it will come out considerably faster than it normally should.

2.2.: The male
The male barista, like the female, is not to be touched. They are extremely territorial and protective of the females in their barista pack. They are slightly more susceptible to flirting, much like the male of any species, but by no means should flirting be used in an attempt to garner a free drink.

2.2.1: Flirting with the female, again
Let us suppose that a female is flirted with while a male is present and working on the machine. The probabilities listed above change to an 80% chance of a bad drink, a 20% chance of him spitting in your drink, and an independent 75% chance that he's going to take his sweet, sweet time making your drink.

2.3.: How to order from your barista
You should never, never, make ridiculous demands on your barista. For instance, if you don't like your coffee steaming hot, do not request 4 pieces of ice. Request a little bit of ice. Furthermore, do not request 4 pieces of ice and then ask if the barista understands you. Oh yes, they understand you perfectly well. The average barista, as a general rule, has an I.Q. at least 50 points above that of the general population. Those four pieces of ice will either be massive chunks of ice that have frozen together, or else they will be the smallest ice-chips the barista can find in the next 10 seconds.

2.3.1.: Pre-sweetening
If you order a drink, and say something akin to "with two Equals", it is assumed that you already have said Equal packets, or will get them, before your drink is made. It is also assumed that you are a lazy, lazy slob who can't take an additional 15 seconds out of your life to open, pour and stir in said Equal packets. There is only one instance where pre-sweetening is acceptable, and that is when you order a dry cappuccino. Even then, you will still be the one fetching your sweetener, because the barista could not possibly care less about you once that drink is in your hand. The barista has access to many spoons, but God gave you two hands, and there is generally a large number of spoons and stir-sticks located near the sweeteners and (non)dairy additives. Once you have your drink, you sweeten it yourself.

2.3.2.: How to get your drink from the barista
Any respectable barista will shout out one thing upon the completion of your drink: the name of the drink that you ordered. It is your responsibility to come and get said drink. The barista does not visit your table to take your order; you come to the barista. Why, then, would the barista deliver your order to the table? Do not come up and ask "is this mine?" when the barista has not called out your order; if you are not paying attention, you deserve for your drink to get lukewarm and nasty.

2.3.2.1.: My drink is lukewarm and nasty!
That's your own goddamned fault. Should have been paying attention. If you ask the barista to heat it up, you can expect one of two things: one minute thirty seconds in the microwave, without replacement of the cardboard jacket around the cup, ensuring that you burn not only your mouth when you sip but also your hand, or else the barista will use the steam wand of the espresso machine to super-heat your drink far past the point where milk scalds, and your drink will no longer be lukewarm and nasty, it will be undrinkably hot, nasty and scalded. So suck it up, and pay attention next time, damn it.

2.4.: How to pay for your drink
A cafe is not a casino, where you must put your money on the table; a cafe is not a convenience store in a bad part of town, where you must slide your money under the bullet-proof glass pane; a cafe is not a bank, where the high counters actively discourage proximity with the teller. Do not put your fucking money on the counter, unless you want your change to be put on the counter. If you don't get it the first several times you visit a cafe, the barista may, for instance, look at the money, look at his or her hand, and look at you. This is a fucking hint. Take the fucking hint. You don't want to pick up your change from the counter, since you've been standing there with your pudgy little hand sticking out the second you threw or slapped your money down, and the barista doesn't want to pick up your money from the counter.

2.4.1.: Tipping
You see that jar there? The one with the bills and coins in it? Why don't you add some of your own? You just paid for your fucking small Guatemalan Antigua with room for cream and 4 ice cubes, totalling perhaps $1.60 at the high end, with a twenty dollar bill. You have plenty of fucking ones and change. Put some in the tip jar. Maybe you don't appreciate the service, but I guarantee that you'll appreciate not having phlegm in your next cup of coffee even more.