These are a gift from the heavens.

You will need a large portabello mushroom, some olive oil, salt, black pepper, some onion and tomato slices, a nice big fat kaiser roll (poppy seeds optional), some mayonaise or Miracle Whip, lettuce (romaine works best, but iceberg is nice too), and maybe some alfalfa sprouts.

First, put a little-little bit of olive oil into a small skillet and heat it up over medium heat. Pull the stem from the cap of the mushroom, if applicable; portabellos tend to be sold without a stem. At least, they do around here. Stick the mushroom cap into the oil, and fry it up a little. Meanwhile, get your kaiser roll and lightly toast it (3 minutes in a 350°F oven will do the trick). Once it's toasted, add a thin layer of mayonaise to both sides. This is to help your toppings to stick. Now, add toppings to both sides. If you use sprouts, stick them right to the mayo, otherwise they will fall everywhere. Make sure your mushroom is not burned! Blackened is okay - it's so okay, that if it is not blackened, you have not cooked a portabello mushroom. Cooked portabello mushrooms practically drip the colour black.

Now! Stick the piping-hot and dripping-black mushroom cap onto your sandwich, and join the top half with the bottom half. Shove a big long toothpick (the kind with the frilly coloured plastic on one end) into the middle, put it on a plate, and grab a handful of napkins, because your sandwich will drip. Some potato chips (or crisps, if you like the baked sort) are nice, but they must be ridged (non-ridged are nasty, unless they're the kind that when you chew them it sounds like you're chewing on glass). A pickle spear is a lovely traditional complement.

Substitutions: Substitute spicy brown mustard for the mushroom, onion, tomato, sprouts and lettuce, and make a nice tomato sandwich. Switch up toppings. I can't think of much else, I wasn't kidding when I said these sandwiches are a gift from the heavens. They're practically perfect.