When salsa won't cut it, and you're too lazy to make a proper cheese dip, guacamole is the answer. Avacados are so good they should be illegal, but they must have sort-of-hard, blackish-green skin and be a little soft and mostly firm to the touch. Too soft and the avocado is overripe and may taste a little rotten; light-green skin and hard to the touch and the avacado is underripe and I'm not sure how it will taste, probably not good. Anyway, guacamole is one of those things where everyone has their own recipe. What follows is a very very basic guacamole that can be improved on immensely.

You will need: two or three big avacados, a large lemon, salt and pepper, a wee bit of cayenne pepper, a finely (FINELY!) chopped clove of garlic, and some finely chopped onion.

First, roll and squeeze the lemon about so as to release the juice. Then grab the biggest, sharpest knife you have (a cleaver is fun to use, but a kitchen knife is just as good). Put an avacado on a cutting board, and scream loudly ("avacado" is a good word to scream) as you cleave the tasty thing in two lengthwise. Ha ha, not really - avacados have a big seed in the middle. With luck, you will have put the knife into the seed, and will spend the next several minutes cursing as you try to work it loose. Cut around the seed in a circular motion (easy, because the knife blade should be right up on the seed), and when you have gone all the way around, it should split open. The seed comes out easily then. Get a spoon and scoop out the avacado, and put it into a bowl. It ought to come out easily, separating pretty cleanly from the skin and having a soft, almost buttery texture. Repeat for the other(s). Resist the urge to eat them now.

Now! Your avacados have been hacked in twain and then disemboweled. Get that lemon, and repeat the violence which you did to the avacados. Grab the lemon halves, and squeeze them over the avacados. Add the garlic (see below), onion, salt and peppers, and then use a fork to mash it all together. Mix it all up very well. Cover it up with some plastic wrap and stick it in the fridge for at least an hour.

The best way to get garlic ready for mincing or chopping is to first crush it. To do so, either get a brick, a rock, a chunk of marble, can of tuna or other heavy object, and smash it down on the clove. This will break the tough exterior, and also break the garlic clove up into pieces. Simply separate the skin from the meat (so to speak), and you're ready to chop, mince or eat raw (be sure that you won't be kissing anyone for the next six or eight hours). Alternatively, if you don't want to smash it, you can also use the blade of your knife to crush it. Simply place the flat of the blade on the garlic, hold on to the handle of the knife with one hand, and use the heel of your hand (careful not to cut yourself!) to apply pressure to the blade until the garlic splits open beneath it.

Chips time! Unless you make your own tortillas, get a package of small corn tortillas from the store. Heat up a pot of vegetable oil, because it's frying time. Get the same big sharp knife you used for carving the avacados and lemon, and cut a smallish (4 or 5) stack of tortillas into quarters. Drop them into the hot hot hot oil (don't burn yourself, unless you work in a restaurant, because then they're like medals, and stories of cuts and burns make good conversation - and most kitchen staff will be able to tell you when and how they got exactly which cut and burn, I know I can), and let them cook until they are golden. Take one out and taste it (careful, it's hot!). Is it crispy? Yes? Good. Repeat several times with the rest of the package, unless you went overboard and got one of those huge packages of 50 or 100 tortillas (which are good if you are entertaining). Set the cooked tortilla chips aside on paper towels to drain; lining a colander with paper towels and sticking it into a pot works pretty well (don't dump oil into your kitchen sink). Get a nice basket, put the chips into it, and get out your guacamole.

Cleanup of oil: let it cool, then pour it into a container that you were going to throw away anyway. A milk jug is good for this. You want it in a sealed container, because sometimes trash bags develop holes in them, and you don't want used oil leaking all over the place. Whatever you do, don't dump oil down your drain. Not only is it bad for your septic tank or sewer system, it's also illegal in some areas. You might also want to see if a local restaurant will let you pour your used oil into their oil dumpster (I forget the exact word).

Now (again)! Stir up the guacamole, and pick out lemon seeds as you see them. Don't be nitpicky about it, just get the big chunks out. Put the guacamole into a nice bowl, and serve with the chips. And a smile. Always serve with a smile. And lemonade, too, or if you prefer an adult beverage, sweet sangria.

Substitutions: You could use flour tortillas instead of corn tortillas, but there's a big difference in flavour, and the corn tortillas go well with dips. Flour is better used for tacos etc. You can add chiles, bell peppers, limes instead of lemons (the citric acid is the main thing; it keeps the avacado from oxidising and turning ugly colours, and also adds a nice sourness), etc. etc. Guacamole is very versatile that way. Sliced avacado with a bit of lemon juice is a nice snack, and you can put it on some nice bread for a wonderful sandwich.