I like my beans and rice so hot they numb my tongue and throat (that way I get lots of endorphins), which means that a normal person will probably die from eating this. Seriously, my cousin said this was so spicy she wanted to throw up. This serves one of me for two meals, or maybe four or five or possibly six as a side dish, which is sacrilege.

You need a can (or tin, if you prefer) of dark red kidney beans, a large onion, a few cloves of garlic, some jalapeño peppers, red and green bell peppers, a jar of green olives, a package of Mahatma saffron rice (the smaller one is perfect for one person), some shredded mild cheddar or jack (pepper jack is best) cheese, a bit of salsa, chili powder, real paprika (it should say spicy Hungarian paprika or somesuch), salt, black pepper, white pepper, cayenne pepper, crushed red pepper, vegetable oil, and other spicy hot seasonings.

To make: start preparing the saffron rice. Then cut up all the ingredients that you can, except the beans and olives. Drain most of the liquid from the beans, and pour them into a large skillet (heat should be medium; don't pre-heat) with a bit of oil, and let it warm up a bit. Start adding the chopped ingredients, and then add your spices. Spice to taste! Pour in a bit of salsa (fresh salsa rules, but a Pace or Old El Paso or other store-bought varieties work, too), and then 3/4 of the green olives, saving the rest for snacking as you cook. Pour in a bit of the olive juice. Now mix this all together. Heat it up, stirring occasionally, tasting occasionally and spicing accordingly; I've found that by the time the rice is done, the beans etc. are done, too. You want some liquid to remain in the beans etc.; the ideal liquid is dark reddish-brown (think dried blood) and thick, and can generally be used as a substitute for pepper spray.

Now! Get some rice and put it into a bowl (it must be a bowl, I use one of those massive soup bowls that look like a huge coffee mug). Put some cheese on top of that. Add some beans etc., and then add some more cheese. Serve with two napkins, a box of tissues, a fork, and a few slices of thick buttered bread. The weak of stomach may also wish to keep a bottle of pink bismuth on hand, and a fresh roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. A sharp surgical knife can also be handy, in case your tongue burns so badly you want to cut it out. The best liquids for removing the spiciness from your mouth are beer and milk. So if you want some beer, I recommend a nice India Pale Ale, but most people find IPA's too bitter, so maybe a plain ale will work for you. Or a nice glass of stout.

Substitutions: never substitue black beans for red. The flavour difference is ridiculous, and the resulting colour isn't so pleasant either. I know the olives are a strange touch; they are actually a very good touch, and I can't take credit for them. That goes to Angelica, a wonderful vegetarian restaurant I used to work at. The salty flavour of the olives is very very tasty with the rest of the beans etc., and each olive is like a flavour bubble, ready to be crushed between your teeth. Also, no white cheeses other than jack or white cheddar should be used. Again, it's a flavour thing.

Other sorts of peppers do well in this dish, not just jalapeños (which are not all that hot - they are about mid-range). The wimpy can use banana or Anaheim peppers; the stupid or brave can use habañero (the pepper so hot God won't eat one).

I like to add, and these are strange, ginger and curry, and sometimes a bit of cinnamon. I think they go well, and stick another layer of flavour on top of what might already be too much to begin with. And I say again: fresh is better. If you have ever had fresh ginger, you know what I'm talking about (if you use fresh, use sparingly: it's very potent).